Saturday 15 August 2015

REVIVED HOPE

I was neither born with a silver spoon in my mouth nor have i been blessed to receive much parental care when i was growing up as a child. I took birth in a small  village called Dhochuck in Nangchen, the eastern part of Tibet, but my parents sent me away from home with my paternal uncle at his small cave for retreat to learn basic Tibetan writing and reading since he was the only educated person in my family. I don't know exactly what my age was at the time but I do vividly remember how much I used to miss my parents. I used to cry silently without my uncle's knowledge when my father came for occasional visits. However, things changed after my uncle left the country. My parents sent me to a school run by the Chinese where I often had to bear the humiliations of elder children and severe beatings from the teachers. I never like my school. I kept expecting my uncle to come back soon and withdraw me from the school. But, my uncle never came back; instead he sent home a message asking to send me and my sister to India for education. Though it was a very hard decision for my parents, they finally did. I was too happy for I didn't have to attend the same school and very excited to see the "heavenly" India as my parents described. I guess a child's excitement is different. The fascinating imaginations of India and then getting to see uncle after such a long separation was everything that mattered to me at that point.

I left my country fifteen years ago. I never had the opportunity to return and see my family again. My innocent excitement as child resulted into a long separation from my family and everything I held dear. Not only that, there were many times I thought I wouldn't survive out of exhaustion and starvation when I was escaping from the mountains of Tibet and Nepal(assumed India at the time). The journey took almost a month. There were knee-length snow piles and neck-deep rivers we had to cross. One time, I and my friend were left across a huge river with everyone else on the other side of the river as we were too small to cross it but too heavy to be helped. We stayed for a day by that river eating ice to fill our empty stomach while caressing our swollen eyes from crying. We thought of jumping into it even though my father warned us never to try. Had we tried at that time, none of us would have survived and I wouldn't be here today telling this story. Death would have been the only consequence of my parent's purpose of sending me to India. This is just one anecdote of the countless hardships we had to go through. When I look back now, I feel immensely lucky that I have survived and reached safely, though the "heavenly" India turned out to be the total opposite. I lived in India as a student refugee for fifteen years long. My dreams of reuniting with my family was shattered after learning that I don't have a country to go back to. The painful histories of my country were revealed to me only after my escape into exile. I realised there is no way going back. Despite the hardships, there are many things that I am grateful for. I got free education till my twelfth grade from Tibetan Children's Village (TCV) and then got opportunity to attend one of the best universities in India. I received bachelor's degree in English Honors from Miranda House, university of Delhi. After learning about my country, I became a young activist. I am still working with the freedom movement in exile with the hope that one day I will return to my country. I remain highly indebted to TCV and my uncle for their tireless support. This story would have remained untold and I wouldn't have got such an opportunity to take part in the movement if not for their generosity. Empires rise and fall. Things will change tomorrow no matter how powerful China appears today.

Thursday 13 August 2015

I AM HAUNTED AND I SEEK TO BE LIBERATED

Why are they staring at me? why? Is it because of I look different or is it because I am wearing shorts? Is it because I have got chinky eyes and I am short? Is it because I am walking with a guy or a bunch of guys? Is it because my bra strap is coming out? Is it because I am wearing a skirt? Why? Why are they staring at me when I walk on the dusty streets of my locality? They see me every day for I take the same road but why do they still stare at me? I hate these stares , the male gaze of men and women on the streets, they scan me from top to bottom. Am I really that fascinating that they can't take their eyes off me? Or am I so pathetic to have them staring with sympathy? But, is that really sympathy? Sometimes I even wonder if I am an alien to them? Do I look human to them? What is that they keep staring at? Not just me, I feel my friends go through the same experience. But why? I have friends advising me not to wear shorts, that they stare at me because of the way I dress, but one evening while i was out with a friend and i was dressed in full-length, a sarong with a t-shirt. Yet an uncle chided me that I wasn't wearing proper clothes.So now how do you define proper clothes? Are there any clothes that are entitled as PROPER CLOTHES? Tell me or my friends, if there are? Or tell me why is it so cool for guys to wear shorts and not for girls? Are we not humans too? Yes, I am tired how these creepy me on the streets stare at me! Don't they have any other job than just sitting besides the pavements and teasing the girls passing by? What's wrong with them? I have friends who tell me not to wear skirts and sleeveless shirts, that men are aroused by them but why is it that women don't get aroused when men walk on the streets wearing shorts and spaghetti? Are we not humans to also have desires? Why do only men get aroused? Why? Probably, the answer would be that women have less desires but tell me why do these men lack ethics? Tell me why is it considered so unethical for women wearing shorts when it's so okay for men and even okay to show their dicks around? Why? Why moral values are enforced on women more or women only? Why do people have so much problem with women's behaviour? Why can't people look at women as humans and as equals? If women are considered humans then why can't we be treated equally? Nothing more, nothing less, just equals? I don't know if i am going insane or or mad but these questions keep coming to me all the time, over and over. These unanswered questions keep haunting me and I seek to be liberated from them.

Monday 8 June 2015

SHE THINKS OF YOU

As she sits, she thinks of you,
How charmingly you appeared,
How perfectly you taught,
How intellectual you looked.

Alone she sits today,
In a house of nothingness,
Vividly remembering you,
And wishing to see you someday.

In vain, she loves you deeply.
Silently, thinks of you.
All the time, all day and all of you.
AHH! Unreachable!

Unattainable your love is,
Except in thoughts and imagination.
Another year gone by
Ageing, this love, all alone.
Without you!

As she sits, she thinks of you.
How amazingly you taught.
Virus. Attachment. Hacking.
Did you hack her heart too?

Smiles, innocence and craziness.
One wonderful soul she has never met.
But, in vain, she wishes to get closer.
Unattainable this love is!

Mid day here,bright sun.
Perhaps, mid night for you there.
Some day for sometime,
She wishes to sleep beside you.

Illusion! Humans age and die one day.
Nothing remains, but
This love does, forever.
Her only wishing star,it's you.

Friday 22 May 2015

Pushing Back Hard

I was hurt, broken into pieces
my heart, bleeding but breathing.
Freaking, falling but wanting to jump higher.
Yes, I know I have to climb!

Words cut my flesh deeper,
Every inch of me,into further pieces.
I was hurt! Again! For a another time!
Watering eyes, pushing back hard!

Sadness surrounded me.
Blurred the world was to me.
Alone, i sat, at the edges.
Choking. Watering. Shivering.

No time! for love, war and hatred.
Definitely, not for more dramas!
I gotta held head high.
Yes, I know I have to climb!

Monday 23 February 2015

Home Everywhere...?

As my three years of college life at Miranda House gets over I take my temporary shelter in a rented house  at New Gupta colony with a dear friend of mine. But  surprisingly,before completing the eleven months of agreement between the tenants(me) and landlords I am thrown out from the house. The whole  colony revolted against two innocent girls just simply due to a small birthday party of an another dear friend. And as we become the victims of the hatred and the Cold War existed in the colony even before our arrival  to the place we are left with no options but to leave our sweet small house.

Bags, i keep moving with.
Today is 30th Jan 2015. When I am almost done with packing I recollect all the sweet memories in this sweet house with sweet people. Probably my destiny with this sweet house is over. I know I am leaving from here after two nights but I also know it's just the physical me leaving. Memories will keep taking me back to this sweet house though not to the politically and morally corrupted colony. May be, being thrown out and having to leave this place is a blessing in disguise. That's what I and my dearie concludes at the end. Though we are forced to bid good bye to each other this time but still we look up into the sky to make our wishes and keep our minds and hearts positive. We send our wishes for an another togetherness in a sweet house soon!

I am a single person,no parents or relatives in this land. it's just me. I have few bags mostly filled with clothes and then books. As I move from one shelter to another I move with same bags. It has been years I have been moving with them. Perhaps, there are my family and the temporary shelters I take are my home meaning I have a home everywhere, even in the sky or I am a homeless girl just wandering everywhere with these bags looking for a home. This lone life upsets this lone girl at times but may be it's also a chance for the lone girl to grow as she prefers and wishes or perhaps this is what every refugee goes through.